Jonathan Pie: The World’s End

By | December 14, 2021

Pie goes to COP 26 to get annoyed about Climate Change.

With Ed Miliband, George Monbiot & Caroline Lucas.

For the Director’s Cut by Franny Armstrong go to:


Cop Cop Cop i’m i’m a cop cop 26 cop I mean glasgow cop you know the the it’s Like a trade show for multinationals to Pretend how green they are yeah i had to Do everyone else in the office got Covered or something better to be doing As have i frankly But i flew up Yeah i flew i flew i flew up yeah Everyone’s here obama’s here the leaders Of the free world are here Greta you know climate change doesn’t Get sexier than this Not that i’m saying greta is sexy or Obama actually obama who wouldn’t Oh here we are right Let’s do it So what is climate change so what is Climate change Really what is this news round I’m jonathan pie i’m not john craven What is climate change Cars burn oil guff co2 out there a-holes Planet heats up ice caps melt sea levels Rise bangladesh drowns the end What yeah okay okay some flooding in the Uk only the nice bits tim i live in Shadwell It’s fine you know who gets flooded in This country posh people with converted Basements oh no the games rooms [ __ ] [ __ ] them

I live on the fifth floor and i don’t Own a car Yes she got custody of that as well Yep okay Top 26 glasgow some are calling it our Last best hope for a solution to the Climate crisis [Applause] Wow [Applause] I’ve been here for three and a half Hours and i haven’t managed to ask Anyone a single question not a single Interview tim i’m expecting a big Important interview out of this Okay who have you got Joining me now is ed miliband Sorry i’m going to try and do that again With a bit more enthusiasm Actually that’ll do it it’s been a long Day um i mean look can i just say to you I i thought i was getting wolf blitzer From cnn so how do you think i’m feeling Yeah all right so neither of us are Having the interview we’d have hoped for Fine okay like what happened here well You got pie instead Okay let’s go Ed miller You are shadow president of cop is that Yeah i try not to use the shadow President think it sounds like it’s Weird it isn’t for me it is it sounds Like a villain from doctor who so this

Is cop 26. so presumably there’s been 25 Cops Emissions are still rising global Temperatures are still rising So it’s done Nothing So far i mean lots has changed the world Has become much much more serious about This issue I was at the copenhagen summit in 2009 The equivalent of this which ended in Pretty much a fiasco I think if you look at china or india Or the us or all countries across the World the idea that they’d have been Saying we’re going to eliminate all our Emissions It would be would have seemed fanciful In those days the key thing to have in Your mind is we’ve got a half global Emissions this decade and We are according to the best estimate Something like a quarter of the way There 20 25 of the way there but this Cop By virtue of what you just said is let’s Be honest it hasn’t been a success it Hasn’t succeeded no but as somebody Cleverer than me said on climate winning Slowly is not the same as winning let’s Uh imagine a different reality yeah Right Let’s imagine You hadn’t eaten that bacon sandwich

That’s been chaos but i’m sure but let’s Imagine that you Were here hosting this as prime minister Rather than boris What would what would you have achieved That he has what he should have done is Deliver the promise made in copenhagen For developing countries Because that is a matter of trust it’s Morally important because these are Countries that are going to disappear You know some of them are going to Disappear with global warming above 1.5 Degrees And so it’s morally right but also it Would have then meant you had an Alliance of vulnerable countries and Developed countries that wanted action To say to put pressure on all of the Biggest women say you’ve got to act that Was the pincer movement we had in paris And we haven’t had it here that’s why Britain cutting our overseas aid budget Was such a terrible decision when boris Johnson is lecturing you about moral Imperative you’re going to sort of be Kind of wondering what he’s what what You know whether he’s for real do you Think that do you think there is a sense Of that in the international community That boris is an absolute joker yes uh Yeah i i look i don’t think he’s helped Having he’s the sort of wrong man in the Wrong place at the wrong time alok

Sharma has done a decent job but it’s The rest of the government that has Looked like it doesn’t get it But boris flying home in a private Victory You get mad When people are in positions of Power yeah and positions of potential Power They don’t talk like human beings no you Know and me sat with you now yeah yeah We’re having a look like i’ve been just Like i’ve got a personality I’m almost managing to fake it do you Regret sometimes that you’re not having A personality Thank you prime minister on forests do You really believe that the president of Brazil will follow through on the Pledges he made the pressure Comes from consumers around the world Who will say to those essentially boris Johnson was saying is that whilst this Deforestation pledge isn’t legally Binding it’s ultimately the consumer who Will be putting pressure on governments And businesses to ensure that they meet Their climate pledges no no that’s not Right That’s not it’s not up to me That’s not right It it’s not up to me to write a strongly Worded email to my local tesco metro to Ask them to stop selling products of

Palm oil from palm trees that stand in a Place formerly known as the brazilian Rainforest that’s international trading Standards palm oil that goes in my [ __ ] shampoo and conditioner and my Peanut butter and my toothpaste and my Butter substitute whilst decimating the Natural habitat of some long forgotten Monkey Oh well people won’t stand for not Having palm oil in their shampoo and Conditioner i would I don’t want [ __ ] in my hair that means A monkey lost its tree I don’t want a low-fat alternative to Butter on my toast if it means four Species of frog were extinguished out of Existence and if it did i want to know About it before i buy it this killed a Frog Clearly on the package It’s not down to me to choose which Toothpaste doesn’t contain [ __ ] that is Contributing to a mass extinction event That’s what they’re all here for it’s Not up to me Point Oh thank you thank you thank You Cheers Are you part of this climate club thing Then well for me yeah well sort of yeah Okay yeah are you sort of into all that Sort of thing here

Yeah Yeah no i’m yeah Recycling and all that sort of thing and It really it’s a bit dull isn’t it Really All right so if you’re the sort of Person that would probably know If your toothpaste kills monkeys Whereas i don’t i don’t know i’m Supposed to be recycling i know that No plastic straws i know that uh cotton Buds are out it’s micro consumerist Bollocks really exactly micro what Micro consumerist bullets that is the Official term for like sweating The small stuff we’re facing systemic Environmental collapse here the whole Lot is just Just dust If we don’t sort this out and it’s a Systemic problem it’s been caused by These massive systemic economic forces Political forces it’s called by the Fossil fuel industry by the banks by the Way governments operate And here we are responding to this thing The biggest Challenge the biggest crisis That humanity has ever faced but i say Oh yeah let’s change our cotton buds So am i gonna die yes no but i mean Am i gonna Is this gonna kill me Me

Yeah probably but if the planetary System flips you know as it’s done Before in the past when it’s been pushed By greenhouse gases too far it’s flipped Previous mass extinctions yeah it’s Almost certain to kill you if things Don’t Change drastically and suddenly I’ll see it I’m 58 and i think i’ll see it Okay hang on Let me just get my head around this Is Is this whole Cop thing A complete and utter waste of [ __ ] Time Or Or Can we Genuinely Stop it there’s 26 cop right 26 of these Things and not once have they seriously Discussed the only thing which really Counts which is leaving fossil fuels in The ground not once Is there any hope Well It’s sort of the wrong question you know We can’t just hope like we sort of wish Wish upon a star and hope that it’ll all Come come right that We have to act you know the only the Only chance of pulling ourselves out of

This planetary death spiral Is getting together in massive numbers And making it impossible for governments Not to act [ __ ] i’ve gotta go i got to [ __ ] go Uh Nice to chat to you um what’s your name Uh george george nice to meet you george Listen um i’ll see you again i gotta go At what point am i going to be stood Here Looking down the barrel of this lens Reading this auto cube reading whatever Crap it is you tell me to say Reading the news good evening earlier Today the last fish was caught That’s it there’s no more there’s no More fish that was the last one now Let’s let’s go to a live link and watch Jeff bezos eat it You know at what point am i going to be Stood here reporting it’s done it’s Pointless you you can chop them all down If you want you can just start you can You can just go [ __ ] directly in the River if you want it’s all [ __ ] won’t Make any difference if you do or you Don’t save yourself the bother of Flushing fill your boots [ __ ] the frogs [ __ ] the frog you can literally [ __ ] the Frogs if you like if you can find one You can just start feeding your dog [ __ ] plastic now it’s oh it’s [ __ ] Over

At what point will i be stood here Saying that because that moment seems Not very far away Yeah Joining me now is the uk’s only green mp Caroline lucas um cop26 how has it been Going all good Not good i’m not quite sure that you’ve Really got how serious this is i just Feel so bloody angry you know i’m angry At you the media you’re covering this Now But in a couple of weeks time you’ll Have moved on to something else and your Attention will be gone i’m angry with The politicians who have this key moment To draw us back from the cliff edge and Instead of that they’re pissing about Arguing about whether or not they should Urge countries to do things or request Countries to do things and i am angry Because people are dying right now [Music] Tim if the government can make people Scared of a virus scared for their Health scared to death of death so the Entire nations are afraid to step Outside their door then you can make People afraid of an oncoming Catastrophic climate failure which will Extinguish almost every member of every Species on this planet including our own If it’s that easy to get entire nations To pay their citizens to stay at home

For a year sit in their pants watching Tiger king and learn how to bake soda Bread and learn to hate their children And pay them to do it then yes you can Stop subsidizing carbon emitters you can Persuade half the nation to cut their Meat intake by half or people won’t Stand for less meat in their diet yes They will yes they will if we can spend Trillions bailing out banks from their Own greed and mistakes trillions Subsidizing the banking industry with Taxpayers money Then they can subsidize the fishing Industry to stop catching so much fish They can subsidize farmers to not tear Down the rainforest they can stop Subsidizing fossil fuels to the tune of 11 million dollars a minute they can Stop that today They can do it right now that’s what They came here to do And they haven’t done it They can do it but they’re not going to Yeah yes yeah i’m ready yeah Yeah yeah yeah keep it upbeat yeah Well negotiations went on to the small Hours and an agreement has been reached A massive global effort a triumph of International diplomacy more emission Reduction targets agreed and more money Pledged to tackle climate change than Ever before The truth of course is that very little

Of this actually matters Um Sorry i’m just i’m having trouble Hearing your your question there i just I can’t quite hear the question but but What happened today could be described As a catastrophic failure of International diplomacy yes there were a Few platitudes and dozens of promises That no one has to keep because they Never do we will continue to pollute our Skies and oceans past the edge of mass Extinction we are not going to Incentivize brazil or indonesia in any Real meaningful way to stop chopping Down the rainforest so that we can have Nice hair conditioner and when it comes To fossil fuels business is booming we Are staring down the barrel of a Catastrophic 2.4 degree increase in Global temperatures and whilst countries Are scrambling to tell us what a huge Success this cop summit was there’s a Feeling here that this was a missed Opportunity one wonders how many more Missed opportunities this planet can Take Time will tell jonathan pie cop 26 Glasgow Sorry tim it was the auto key the auto Key went and i lost my my earpiece i Just had to wing it just had to wing it You

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